Malo Ioane Luafutu – aka Scribe – says he’s learning to deal with childhood trauma detailed in a new documentary, but he accepts that he’ll never really go away.
The rapper said Music 101by Charlotte Ryan, it felt “amazing” now that the TVNZ documentary directed by Chris Graham, titled Scribe: Return of the Crusader, was in the world.
âWhen it first came out, I kind of went in, likeâ¦ lockdown mode and I didn’t really like going out, but now that I’ve dealt with it a little bit, I feel so much better.â
He said the positive response to the raw documentary, which details his drug addictions and the abuse he suffered from his father as a child, resonated with people and he received “hundreds of messages.” of those who told his story.
It’s a project that took a long time to come together, Scribe said, because he needed the right director to bring it to fruition.
“I really, you know, needed to be successful with Chris (Graham) because I trusted him.”
A previous attempt to make the documentary with a different crew hadn’t seemed appropriate for such a personal story, he said.
“It was my turn to tell my story after the media told my story, so I felt the only real way people understood me is if I am telling the truth.”
Before entering rehab for his now well-documented struggles with drug addiction, Scribe was apparently at the top of his game.
It has won seven of the nine awards for which it was nominated at the 2004 New Zealand Music Awards, including Album of the Year for The crusader.
But behind the scenes he was struggling and his attempts to cope with his newfound fame pushed his long-term drug addiction to a new level.
âI was diagnosed as a functional junkie so, you know, because I had been a drug addict my whole lifeâ¦ so that was actually my normal, except you know, once the meth got in, it’s a whole different galaxy to be drugged. ”
While he doesn’t directly blame the fame for his steep decline, he said it brought to the surface feelings of inadequacy he had suppressed for years.
“I didn’t know my addiction was related to my trauma, I just thought my addiction was something separate; that I was just a slave to P.”
This trauma was in the form of beatings he received from his father as a child in Christchurch.
Scribe said his time in rehab helped him understand why he had previously turned to drugs to cope, instead of confronting what he had been through.
âEverything you process as a child comes from a child’s brain, so for me, you know, when our dad would hit us and tell us it was loveâ¦ as a young child trying to treating that, I treated it like “I” I’m not good enough “for a dad to just want to do daddy things; because, you know, we would see other dads with their kids at the park … and interested. “
These feelings of not being “good enough” stuck with him and eventually turned to pity and resentment.
“That resentment, you know, it just poisons you.”
Scribe said that at the height of his success it wouldn’t have mattered if someone had told him he was New Zealand’s best rapper.
âNo matter what anyone saysâ¦ it just doesn’t translate into my mind, I still feel like crap, I still don’t feel good enoughâ¦ that’s the danger of a negative self-narrative. “
The fact that he was so immersed in the creative process of creation The crusader It also meant that his sudden fame was a surprise.
“I didn’t like it and I didn’t like this reality. I didn’t like people looking up to meâ¦ didn’t likeâ¦ kids looked at me hoping because I just didn’t feel like this. way, âhe said. noted.
âTo be successful and to be an idol and a role model was something I never wanted to be.â
Despite the long journey he is in now, Scribe said he was in a “healing space” and had forgiven his father.
“My dad was who he was, you know he was a drug dealer, he was an addict, he had his own traumaâ¦ he didn’t even know how to be a father because he was brought up in the system. , you know, as a ward of the state, so a lot of the trauma he went through was projected onto us and a lot of the fears he had just translated into violence. “
âThat’s been a big part of my time in rehabâ¦ realizing that it’s not my dad’s fault, you know, and it’s not my fault, and you just learn to cope andâ¦ just be grateful. “
Watching the documentary hadn’t been difficult for him as he was so intimately involved in its production, Scribe said.
âSaying thatâ¦ when I watched it on TVNZ with my family, it was my first time watching it in third person (point of view) and we were all really relievedâ¦ and happy that the story was told in such a good way.
Scribe: Return of the Crusader can be viewed on TVNZ on demand.